처음에 The Road, 다음엔 Blood Meridian or the Evening Redness in the West, 그리고영화는 No Country for Old Men, 그리고 The Passenger와 Stella Maris 두 권으로 된 이 작품.
읽은 후 감상을 어떻게 써야할지 도저히 생각이 없어서 The Passenger의 끝부분에 John Sheddan이 죽음을 앞두고 Western에게 쓴 편지를 번역해 보기로 했다.
This comes to you from the veteran’s hospital in Johnson City where the news is not good. The horseman it would seem has chalked my door and by the time this reaches you – assuming that it does – I may be well on my way to shuffling off the mortal coil. Together with any attendant condensers, transformers, and capacitors.
Hepatitis C, with complications stemming from a mostly dysfunctional liver together with various inroads upon other organs traceable to age, alcohol, and a lengthy and eclectic menu of pharmaceuticals over the many years. Dykes has been up to see me several times. Believe me when I tell you there was no line to stand in. He commented to a mutual friend that I was going to find myself consigned to such deeps of the netherworld that you couldn’t find me with an asbestos bloodhound. I think he plans an elaborate obituary for the Knoxville rag he scribbles for. Something he’s only done before for one of Gene White’s hunting dogs. I’d thought to give my body to science but obviously they draw the line somewhere. Dykes is on record that there can be no burial with no environmental impact study. One might think cremation an option but there is the danger of the toxins taking out their scrubbers and leaving a swath of death and disease among dogs and children downwind for an unforeseeable distance.
Several acquaintances have remarked upon my sangfroid at this turn of events but in all truth I can’t see what the fuss is about. Wherever you debark was the train’s destination all along. I’ve studied much and learned little. I think that at the least one might reasonably wish for a friendly face. Someone in your bedside who does not wish you in hell. More time would change nothing and that which you are poised to relinquish forever almost certainly was never what you thought it to be in the first place. Enough. I have never thought this life particularly salubrious or benign and I have never understood in the slightest why I was here. If there is an afterlife – and I pray most fervently that there is no – I can only hope that they wont sing. Be of good cheer, Squire. This was the ongoing adjuration of the early Christians and in this at least they were right. You know that I’ve always thought your history unnecessarily embittered.
Suffering is a part of human condition and must be borne. But misery is a choice. Thank you for your friendship. In twenty years I don’t recall a word of criticism and for this alone deep blessings be upon you. If we should meet again I hope there will be something in the way of a wateringhole where I can stand you a round. Perhaps show you about the place. Look for a tall and somewhat raffish looking chap in a tailored robe.
이편지는좋은소식이라고는없는Johnson City 보훈병원에서보낸다. 그럴것으로보이는죽음이내방문에표식을남기고이편지가도착할때쯤– 도착할것으로추정하는데– 나는세상의고통으로부터이미발을끌며떠나가고있겠지. 동반하는세속의다른번거로움과함께.
노화, 술, 그리고오랜기간에걸친장기간의다양한약물복용이가져온몸속장기로침투와함께기능장애인간으로부터기인한합병증과C형간염. Dykes는날보러몇번올라왔네. 들어갈만한줄이없었다고내가말할땐날믿게. 내가어둠의세계심연으로실려가는것을깨닫게되었으며그곳에서너는순종의흠결없는추적견으로도날찾을수없을거라고 Dykes는우리모두의친구에게얘길했지. 생각컨대, Dykes는전에 Gene White의사냥개한마리를위한부고를써본적밖에없으면서나같은Knoxville의쓰레기를위하여직접부고를끄적거릴계획을하고있다네. Dykes는환경영향평가없는매장은가능치않음을알고있고, 이를대신할방법으로화장을생각할수있는데, 거기엔독성물질이청소부들을죽이고예상할수없는멀리까지바람에실려개와어린이들에게커다란한움큼의죽음과질병을남길위험이있다고생각하네.
몇몇친구들은이렇게변하는상황에서나의침착함에관하여말한적이있는데, 난솔직히소란스러워야할이유를알수가없네. 어디든우리가기차에서내리는그곳이우리의목적지가되네. 난많이공부했지만깨달은것은없네. 사람은적어도침대옆에앉아서내가지옥으로떨어지지않기를바라는그런친구하나쯤은당연히있길바랄것이라고생각하네. 더많은시간이주어진다하더라도변하는것은없을테고, 거의확실하게영원히포기하려고우리가준비하는것은우리가그렇기를맨먼저생각했던것은결코아니었네. 이제됐네. 난내삶이특별히건전하거나친절한것으로생각해본적이없고내가왜여기존재하는가를조금이라도이해해본적이없네. 만약사후세계가있다면– 그리고사후세계가없기를뜨겁게기도하면서– 난오직남아있는그들이노래하지않기를희망하네. 힘내게. 이것은초기기독교인의계속되는탄원이고그리고최소한이것에관한한그들은옳네. 알다시피난항상너의삶이불필요하게적개심을품었다고생각해왔네.
고통은인간조건의한부분이고감내를하여야만하는것이네. 그러나, 비참함은선택이지. 우정에감사하네. 지난이십년동안너에게서한마디의비난이있지않았음을기억하고, 이것만으로도너에게깊은축복이내리기를. 만약우리가다시만나게된다면어느술집에서내가한잔사는것이되기를바라네. 아마도누군가가둘러보게할것이고, 맞춤양복을입은약간저속하게보이는키큰친구를찾게.
이부분은이해하는것이좀어려웠는데;
“Horseman”는Apocalypse의 Four Horsemen가운데죽음(death)을의미는것으로보고, “Mortal coil”은Shakespeare의 Hamlet에서, “Asbestos bloodhound”의“Asbestos”는어원학으로더럽혀지지않은(Undefiled)의의미가있으며, Gene White는의미추적불가한데, 아마도농담으로이이름을차용한것이아닐까생각한다.
Cormac MacCarthy의소설은무엇이되었든목적도방향도없이결코끝날것처럼보이지않는떠도는행위를이어가는… 그것으로보인다.